Words to keep me sane

Sometimes the only action you can take is to let go.

Friday, December 7, 2007

When winning equals losing

I prevailed in the HPT argument, which is to say that I talked husband into a compromise. We tramped through the snow and cold to CVS and bought a box of my preferred FRER, with the understanding that I would use one first thing this morning. I awoke at about 3:00AM with the urge to go so the deed was done. Like so many other times, no matter how long I gave it my best "please line show up" stare, nothing happened. It was negative. I am 6dp5dt or 11dpo today. I crawled back into bed and waited for my pulse to return to normal and my breathing to slow. I am a realist, but the tantalizing knowledge of a great quality blastocyst in my uterus had my hope receptors firing. I thought this time might be different/good/real. Husband didn't wake up and I finally reclaimed sleep after a lengthy conversation with my rational self about how we will have more chances, life will go on, and how I am thankful for so many things in our lives. When husband woke up I gave him the news. He dug the stick out of the garbage and declared that he saw a faint line. Faint is being awfully generous - it is definitely an evaporation "line." So I am at work today and though thoroughly disappointed and sad, I also feel at peace. As I said in my last post, I prefer knowing to not knowing. Now we will move forward again into more of the great unknown.


Anonymous said...


came to your blog from cyclesista. Have been lurking around. Just wanted to tell you that I too did a 5dt and tested on 4dp5dt and got a bfn. It was a horrible feeling. But then when I went for my beta on 8dp5dt, it was 53 and rising. Now I am 25 weeks pregnant. Just wanted to let you know that there is still hope and not to be bogged now.
Praying for your bfp.
take care,

Pamela Jeanne said...

I hope the pee stick you used was broken.