Words to keep me sane

Sometimes the only action you can take is to let go.

Monday, January 28, 2008

This update is overdue

I had my post-op appointment on 1/24. Our doctor was able to pick up the baby’s heartbeat with the Doppler right away. Husband and I were both very relieved to hear the sound. I must say it is pretty incredible what you can hear so early on (just a little over ten weeks at the time). The heart rate was 176 which seemed high to me. Doctor said he was fine with it given that it is the first trimester. That is the highest it has been so far. Trying not to be concerned, but hoping it will be more in the “normal” range the next time we get to hear it. My stomach also got measured, which completely floored me! 10 cm so I guess it corresponds correctly. I lost a little weight from being in the hospital but I still considered my abdominal situation to be more about lack of sit ups (for several months!) than about baby growth or distended bowels as the case may be. I literally thought to myself “he’s measuring my fat!” Pretty surreal. Hopefully things will remain calm for a while now. We have another appointment on 2/8, with an ultrasound to check my ovary size and hopefully the baby, too. I still have to say I’m not sure I really believe that there is an honest to goodness baby in there. I just can’t get my head around it. Is anyone else looking forward to spring as much as I am? I was given a bulb garden as a “get well” gift and I have three yellow flowers blooming so far. It makes me look forward to warmer weather that much more!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Scary Weekend

Thought I would post an update on some recent events. I should start by saying that we believe the baby is fine. An appointment tomorrow with my OB will hopefully confirm this. Starting early Thursday morning I began having severe pain in my back/flank area. Pain to the point of nausea. The OB on call told me to go to the ER and by the time we got there the pain had subsided. The ER doctor ordered an ultrasound of the baby, my kidneys, gallbladder, etc. Baby looked fine and they didn't see anything out of the ordinary with the rest of my organs. Foremost in my mind was my greatly enlarged right ovary (from the IVF), which measured even a few cm larger on this ultrasound than it had before. There was some fluid in my abdomen, most likely from large cysts also on the ovary. I was sent home with Tylenol 3 and something for nausea. The pain came back that evening and husband and I were back in the ER a few hours later. This time it didn't quit and only increased in intensity. I was given IV narcotics, which didn't help much. They admitted me. When my OB saw me he immediately suspected an ovarian torsion. He ordered a doppler ultrasound, which showed blood flow and ruled out surgery. He didn't want to expose the baby to anesthesia, etc., when he wasn't sure he would find anything. After a sleepless and very painful night, my doctor decided he couldn't leave me the way I was and I was taken into surgery early Saturday afternoon. Sure enough, he found that my right ovary had twisted on itself. The blood flow they had seen on the ultrasound was either intermittent or just a little was making it through. He also drained the three largest cysts. I woke up infinitely more comfortable than I had been in days. I am still scared that this could happen again, but I am hoping that the cysts being gone will help stabilize the ovary. My doctor also said he has never had a torsion recur after surgery before. My fingers are crossed that this will hold for me. Today is my first day back at work. I am looking forward to my appointment tomorrow and hopefully hearing a strong heartbeat. I am 10 weeks, 1 day today, and this little one has been through a lot already. Life definitely can throw some curve balls.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Who am I? -or- Me at 9 weeks, 1 day

So it has been a while since my last post. It's tough to know what to say at this stage of the game. Most days I find myself in a bit of a mental battle with myself over believing that we could have a good outcome with this pregnancy. When I get to feeling this way, I feel guilty about posting it here because I know I should simply conisder myself lucky to have made it this far. If this were my first pregnancy, that would probably be a lot easier to do. Instead my mind favors the "guilty until proven innocent" or "don't get your hopes up" approach. I don't want to out myself as a gloom and doom-er, but I guess I just did. I wonder when it will get easier. We had our first OB appointment last Friday and my wonderful doctor was very congratulatory. No u/s, but I guess everything "feels" as it should. The nurse asked me strange and, in my opinion, exceedingly premature questions such as: where are you planning to deliver? and will you breast or bottle feed? Huh? I am just trying to get from one day to the next and hopefully make it to the somewhat safe haven of the 12th week here. Delivery locations and feeding methods aren't even close to being on my radar screen yet. Since I didn't think "I'm infertile, back off" would be a welcome answer, I made up something more normal sounding, with the caveat of "although I haven't really thought about it" tacked on at the end. Up until a few days ago my stomach was feeling pretty rough. As much as I didn't enjoy feeling that way, I am a little uncertain about now feeling somewhat better. I'm even wrestling with calling my OB's office and pleading my case as a recurrent miscarry-er in the hopes that they will take pity and schedule me for an ultrasound. I think IVF pregnancies should automatically come with scans about every other week to soothe wraught nerves. If my minimal google searching can be believed, morning sickness does seem to come and go for a lot of women. No other signs of worry have presented themselves so the battle wages on. Things are fine...no they're not...YES they are. Time will tell, but in the meantime I will keep telling myself to breathe.

Friday, January 4, 2008

7 weeks, 3 or 4 days

Today was ultrasound day. When the picture first came up on the screen, both husband and I thought all hope was lost. We couldn't make out much. I don't know what we were expecting to see, exactly, but in my mind it wasn't so fuzzy. RE started pointing things out and we slowly began to realize that indeed, things looked fine. I even managed to see a tiny little wiggly heartbeat all on my own. Unbelievable. Despite the fuzzy image, we seem to have the right size gestational sac, yolk sac, and fetal pole, with aforementioned heartbeat at 159 bpm. The baby is measuring 7 weeks, 3 days and today I consider myself 7 weeks 4 days. I'm not sure which one to go by now. I've heard that the early ultrasounds are the most reliable way to date a pregnancy, but RE only measured once so I don't know about margin for error, etc. All in all we are very relieved and mostly in a state of disbelief. We know there is a LONG way to go. Our first OB appointment is a week from today. The other thing the u/s showed is that my right ovary is still in a scary size range. The left one has gone down, but the workhorse on the right is being stubborn. I am to avoid any and all activities that could "break" it so more laying low is in my future. I also learned that I am likely the highest E2 my RE has ever triggered. How I managed to avoid OHSS/symptoms is beyond any of us. I just got the call about my progesterone, which is still greater than 60. No more shots for us! Whew!