Words to keep me sane

Sometimes the only action you can take is to let go.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Who am I? -or- Me at 9 weeks, 1 day

So it has been a while since my last post. It's tough to know what to say at this stage of the game. Most days I find myself in a bit of a mental battle with myself over believing that we could have a good outcome with this pregnancy. When I get to feeling this way, I feel guilty about posting it here because I know I should simply conisder myself lucky to have made it this far. If this were my first pregnancy, that would probably be a lot easier to do. Instead my mind favors the "guilty until proven innocent" or "don't get your hopes up" approach. I don't want to out myself as a gloom and doom-er, but I guess I just did. I wonder when it will get easier. We had our first OB appointment last Friday and my wonderful doctor was very congratulatory. No u/s, but I guess everything "feels" as it should. The nurse asked me strange and, in my opinion, exceedingly premature questions such as: where are you planning to deliver? and will you breast or bottle feed? Huh? I am just trying to get from one day to the next and hopefully make it to the somewhat safe haven of the 12th week here. Delivery locations and feeding methods aren't even close to being on my radar screen yet. Since I didn't think "I'm infertile, back off" would be a welcome answer, I made up something more normal sounding, with the caveat of "although I haven't really thought about it" tacked on at the end. Up until a few days ago my stomach was feeling pretty rough. As much as I didn't enjoy feeling that way, I am a little uncertain about now feeling somewhat better. I'm even wrestling with calling my OB's office and pleading my case as a recurrent miscarry-er in the hopes that they will take pity and schedule me for an ultrasound. I think IVF pregnancies should automatically come with scans about every other week to soothe wraught nerves. If my minimal google searching can be believed, morning sickness does seem to come and go for a lot of women. No other signs of worry have presented themselves so the battle wages on. Things are fine...no they're not...YES they are. Time will tell, but in the meantime I will keep telling myself to breathe.


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Grad3 said...

I know what you mean... I don't know if it helps (since I am now on the other side now) but I really started losing my symptoms around 9-9-1/2 weeks too. Scared the sh** out of me. All was okay- praying that it's the same for you.

Funny how you talk about what the nurse said- I often felt the same way. I always thought, "I am just trying to make it to the end of the week- back off man!"

Hugs and prayers!

Pamela Jeanne said...

I would definitely be upfront with your OB's office about your difficulties in the past. That will eliminate unnecessary stress from your visits and open the door to, hopefully, giving you the sensitivity and care you need. Wishing you continued success!

Rebecca said...

Those questions have freaked me out too. Then I struggle with the issue of being upfront (and possibly coming off hostile) or grinning and bearing it (which I'm not so good at). Hopefully you can find a happy medium and people will stop asking you these questions until you're ready to answer them.