Friday, December 14, 2007
Thoughts of dropping shoes and other ramblings
One of the curses of the infertile, and certainly anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss too, is the inability to trust or believe that a pregnancy will ultimately work out. I am living this curse right now. I am so happy to have had a successful IVF cycle, and I have more reason to be optimistic about this pregnancy than I ever have in the past. We have a known good quality embryo, my numbers look good, and I haven’t had any spotting (I hesitate to even type this for fear of speaking too soon). These are all encouraging signs. At the same time, I am a six-times-bitten individual and when you have had the proverbial rug yanked out from under you that many times it takes the hugest leap of faith to even entertain the thought that we may have a healthy, lasting pregnancy this time. I consider myself a faithful person. I know God is the captain of this ship and the outcome of this is definitely not in my control. I am praying that things work out for this little one. One of my favorite movie quotes is from Rudy: “praying is something we do in our time…the answers come in God’s time.” I hope this is THE time. I have been experiencing cramping off and on. It seems to be more noticeable the last day or so. I don’t know what to make of it. I think cramping can be normal in early pregnancy as things get situated in there. I have also known cramping to be the beginning of the end for a few of my pregnancies. The fear of it makes me want to rest and not move. Then I tell myself that if this pregnancy is healthy and destined to continue, a walk through the skyway (Minnesota winter) to grab lunch isn’t going to be its undoing. I am finally getting over an eye virus, which at first appeared to be pink eye but was re-diagnosed by my ophthalmologist when it didn’t respond to the drops provided by my family practice doctor. We are going to visit husband’s family this weekend in the Milwaukee, WI area. If we are lucky and things continue to progress, we won’t be sharing our news with anyone until a lot further down the road. Our families and friends have been through too much heartbreak with us to make them sweat things out yet again. It would be so amazing to announce an impending grandchild/niece or nephew when we can be reasonably confident that it will come to fruition. Plus, it is easier to not have to talk about things now if we don’t want to. So this weekend we will be mum. We are having the traditional Italian Christmas Eve feast early, as we won’t be with them on the day, and I hope no eyebrows are raised when I politely decline any wine. Knowing me and our issues as many years as they have, though, I don’t believe they will go there. In closing, I will do my absolute best to stay calm and think positively for the next few days. I so badly want to make it to the ultrasound on Tuesday with hope intact. It would be a huge milestone for us.