Words to keep me sane

Sometimes the only action you can take is to let go.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Onward and Upward


We are moving forward. The trial transfer is done and all went fine. Apparently my ovaries look like my doctor (for whom I’m trying to think of a clever blog nickname) wants them to look. We had our RN consult and learned about our protocol and all this cycle will entail. They agreed to the meds I was hoping for so I will be able to use what I was given, which makes me happy and relieved. The balance of the meds has been ordered and will arrive on Friday. Lupron starts a week from today. Can we really be doing this? It has been a hypothetical for so long and I have lived vicariously through others who took the plunge before we did that it’s hard to believe it is finally our turn. At times I am excited, at others nervous, and still others in disbelief. It has been so long since we’ve cycled…hopefully we’ll find that groove again without too much trouble. I suppose what IVF newbie hasn’t envisioned screwing up the medication amounts or injection times and accidentally ruining her cycle? When they go through the protocol it seems so overwhelming and daunting. One shot at a time, I keep telling myself. For those of you who have been through this, any advice?

Experience (mine and others’) tells me not to assume that this cycle will be the magic bullet. As with anything that is being tried for the first time there is that rose colored glasses feeling of “this will certainly do the trick.” I can’t go there. I am not betting against success but I am also not counting any chickens…or eggs, as suits the metaphor in my case. When I do let my mind wander to “what if this works” territory, I can’t help but feel a little frightened. Seven years have passed since we first felt the desire to become parents. During that time the wounds we have suffered have scarred over and self-protection mode has kicked in. I have never been that infertile woman who still coos at babies. In fact I have been known on more than one occasion to decline an invitation to hold a friend’s baby. At my house the Pottery Barn Kids catalog is thrown in the recycling bin without a glance. I haven’t attended a baby shower since one of my nephews was in-utero. He turned four last August. On a daily basis I have made it my practice to deny any motherly longing or instinct to save myself any extra pain. My biological clock became the enemy so I ripped out its moving parts and made them into jewelry. If by some miracle IVF worked for us, would I be able to find my mommy chip again? I have to believe I can. As deeply as it is buried, it must still be there somewhere.

6 comments:

JJ said...

All the shots can be overwhelming--I made a calendar, and kept it where I kept my meds and checked off each vial I needed to take. It will become like 2nd nature to you in no time. Feel free to email me if you have any questions.
Glad things are moving onward and upward!

Geohde said...

I just take my cycles as they come. It is surprisingly difficult to accidentally screw things up beyond retrieval.

My body, on the other hand, does it by itself all the time!

Good luck,

J

Grad3 said...

While I never had to go IVF, at least not yet, I thought it all sounded overwhelming too.

I don't have advice to offer but I would like to encourage you and wish you well on your moving onward and upward... thinking of you!

Pamela Jeanne said...

As JJ recommends, we had a world class calendar with all meds listed so that we could cross them off one by one, day by day and keep a good record of activity. Wishing you much success...

Kristen said...

I'm so glad the mock transfer went well.

Good luck with the real thing. I'll be thinking of you and crossing my crossables!

Kami said...

I suspect you will find your mommy chip again, although I am still looking for mine.

As for the meds, I found them more exciting than daunting. It wasn't until the 3rd and 4th IVF that I started screwing up - like forgetting to take them right on time - because I had gotten too comfortable. You will be crazy obsessive the first time, I suspect.